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Relationship Anger Profile (RAP)
Write in the name of the angry person for whom you are describing your feelings and actions:.Think about the last few times this person got angry and how you felt in response.
You will be asked to endorse one or more of four core feelings you experience when this person acts in an angry way towards you, whether he/she withholds what you want or withdraws in cold anger or acts sarcastic, intense, hostile or loud/aggressive. Once you’ve endorsed one or more emotions: anxious/tense, irritated/angry, responsible/guilty or afraid/fearful, you will then be asked some questions about the ways you react when feeling this way. Only answer the questions for the emotional reactions you actually have to the person you are describing. PLEASE CHECK YOUR ANSWERS
I feel ANXIOUS (e.g., apprehensive, worried) when this person gets mad: If YES, then carefully consider and answer the following questions:
When I think this person might get angry, I carefully consider exactly what I am about to say before expressing it.
I often find myself avoiding saying how I really feel so the other won’t get mad at me.
There are certain topics I avoid if this person seems upset.
Sometimes I try to change the topic or keep things from upsetting this individual (e.g., keep our children away, reduce noise, make sure everything is perfect) to avoid this person’s anger.
I have given in and changed my own plans or avoided going places with this person when I was concerned about an escalation of anger.
I find I will avoid certain people or couples this person dislikes to avoid any possibility anger becoming an issue.
I feel GUILTY (e.g., responsible, sorry, apologetic) when this person gets mad: If YES, then carefully consider and answer the following questions:
At times I find myself trying to make excuses for this person’s anger—to somehow justify it to myself or others.
This person can’t help how angry he/she gets—it’s just a personality trait that can’t be changed so I must live with it and adjust to it.
When this person gets mad it must be my fault also. It takes two to start any argument or conflict.
Giving in to this person is the easiest way to get the anger to stop or avoid it in the first place. Life is too short to make a big deal out of things so I just do it his/her way to avoid the hassle of it all. [
I try to make up for conflicts with this person by doing something nice to make them forget about it.
I know this person will get his/her way eventually so I just don’t fight it anymore. It’s easier just to give in and get over my feelings.
I feel ANGRY (e.g., irritated, annoyed, enraged) when this person gets mad: If YES, then carefully consider and answer the following questions:
I spend a lot of time defending myself around this person.
I cannot let something this person says go if it’s wrong or unfair—I feel I have to defend or justify my position.
I find that I am very alert to this person’s negative comments about me and react to them immediately.
When I get mad I sometimes do just the opposite of what this person wants, just to let him/her know that I matter too.
I find myself withholding what he/she wants as a kind of pay back.
I get so mad that I sometimes stop talking or withdraw physically (e.g., leave the house, go to another room) and refuse to have anything to do with this person for hours or even days at a time.
When this person criticizes me I get so annoyed I often criticize something he or she said or did in return.
I get very impatient and act angry myself when I am unfairly treated by this person.
Sometimes I raise my voice in response to what this person says.
At times I have been known to yell back at this person.
When pushed to the wall, I have gotten physical with this person by (one or more) blocking, pushing, holding, using my hands in anger or throwing.
Sometimes I have said things to this person when I’m angry that I would never want repeated to others I care about—it would embarrass me.
I feel AFRAID (e.g., fearful, terrorized) when this person gets mad: If YES, then carefully consider and answer the following questions:
When this person gets angry I sometimes feel so fearful that I am kind of paralyzed and just go along with it so it will stop.
I imagine this person will do something, whether intentional or not, that results in me or someone I love (e.g., a child, other family member) getting hurt emotionally or physically. This causes me to give in.
I sometimes feel I cannot act or speak out for fear that the situation will just get worse.
Sometimes I just don’t know where to turn to cope with this person’s anger—it is so overwhelming.
I have thought of ending this relationship because of the anger, but still care and want it to work. I feel stuck between the two.
I feel so powerless and overwhelmed at times I just shut down...
Look over your answers as you reflect on how this relationship is affecting your life. For which typical reactions to your partner’s anger did you score at least a one? Even a score of one is important as it represents an action on your part that may significantly affect how you continue to feel. A score of two or more means that you most definitely are experiencing a problem of relationship anger. To help you understand the meaning of your score on the RAP look over each reaction for which you scored:
[Score: ] Editing - You have begun to edit what you say around this person. Editing can begin almost unnoticed. You start to think about how the other will react and adjust your words or carefully parse certain points you want to make to avoid any possibility of a confrontation. After a while you stop thinking through your own thoughts and needs as you are so wrapped up in insuring that this person remains calm.
[Score: ] Redirecting/Rescheduling - You try to “stage manage” your life to avoid possible anger episodes by “directing traffic.” For example, when the children are beginning to make noise you “shoo” the kids into another room to keep the situation as calm as possible. Or you steer your partner to more “calm” subjects when he or she is about to discuss a topic that you associate with anger from past encounters. You feel anxious when friends call to come over at a time that would upset your partner and find ways of rescheduling your contacts with them or you reschedule invitations from friends and family because you fear your partner might act irritable or withdraw or even “make a scene” because of anger at “having” to go to this event. Thus, you may find yourself shielding others you care about from this unpleasantness and shielding yourself (and your partner?) from embarrassment.
You’ve begun to notice that you are turning yourself inside out at a great personal price. You may wonder when your own needs will be considered by this person Do you ever resent you have to work so hard to keep things “normal.”
[Score: ] Justifying - You can’t let go of the clearly unfair and even “irrational” things the other says when she’s angry —you feel you must rise to the occasion and defend each insult, misstatement or unfair characterization even though it seems to lead to never-ending arguing. While there is nothing wrong with calmly responding to an inaccurate point someone makes, in fact this is desirable, you must ask yourself when you cross the line into becoming so defensive and committed to winning the argument that both parties end up frustrated and angry with no resolution. Remember, the other person is already expressing a provocative face of anger. Do you find yourself “biting” the “hook” and then wishing you had stopped the discussion until tempers cooled?
[Score: ] Passive-Aggression/Withdrawal - You refuse or fail to do something your partner wants to punish him or withdraw and refuse to talk for hours or days at a time. This face of anger, meant to punish and bring about change, may involve withholding what your partner wants or doing the opposite of what he desires (e.g., sometimes fixing a meal he or she detests when angry) or emotionally and even physically withdrawing (e.g., refusing sexual intimacy for days at a time to let your partner know you are unhappy with him/her). The problem is your passive actions are so indirect they do not clearly tell your partner what you need in the future. Rarely is a relationship problem resolved by indirect communication.
[Score: ] Hostility/Criticism - If you’ve ever stood in line with someone who was “fuming” with impatience, mumbling under his breath and clearly highly stressed and irritated, then you know what hostility is. When you are hostile it is more likely that you will be critical and unrelenting in expressing your dissatisfaction with what another does that fails to meet your expectations. Unfortunately, getting hostile only fuels your partner’s anger even more (an argument) and does not communicate effectively what you need.
[Score: ] Aggressing - Using intense and hurtful actions to respond to your partner’s anger can take many forms but it always employs loud, threatening talk (e.g., cursing, condemning, name-calling and put-downs) and even physical acting out (restraining, standing in someone’s path or right in their face, shoving, hitting or throwing things) to “make a point.” Countering another’s destructive face of anger with your own destructive face of anger not only makes little sense, but is likely to fuel the other’s actions even further. It is never justified and sets you up to be accused of being a part of the problem and not the solution (e.g., “Who are you to talk about my anger!”)
[Score: ] Rationalizing - This is when you try to talk yourself into excusing or explaining the other person’s anger actions as somehow acceptable, even though at some level you know they are out of bounds. This is a thinking trick we can play on ourselves. Versions of this mental gymnastic include:
Stress- “She is just so stressed that she can’t help getting so upset—wouldn’t anyone?” Very often this plays into the hand of the angry actor because I find that “being stressed out,” “exhausted” or “just overwhelmed” are excuses that are at the top of the list of the angry actor.
Legitimacy-Here the recipient of an angry face justifies being treated this way because the person has a “good” reason to be mad. Of course there are many justifiable reasons to be mad when an important and realistic expectation is not met (e.g., someone goes out of their way to be rude or to deprive you of something you’ve rightfully earned). The issue is not the anger but the mode of expressing it. Anger can be justified, but it is the way we express it that is the issue. Hurtful and confrontational expressions should not be explained away or justified.
Personality- “He is just a hot-blooded person. And can’t help it.” “She has always been impatient and intense---it’s just the way she is!” The justification is that being hostile or passive-aggressive is a personality trait and it is unrealistic to expect the person to change. While anger is an emotion and some of us are born with more intensity than others, this is no excuse for the poor ways we learn to express ourselves.
Stability- “So she gets angry and we all hate it, but it is just not worth ruining a whole weekend with arguing to say something. Better to just keep a low profile and she’ll eventually get over it. Why rock the boat?” Here, putting up with the person’s anger is justified as a way of keeping the peace—at almost any price. The message the angry person gets is: “I can let off some steam any way I want—no problem.”
[Score: ] Placating - In contrast to merely explaining away the person’s toxic actions, here you try to appease because you feel you were wrong or it is the best way to help this person to stop acting angry. Placating might involve going out of your way to apologize which is likely to solve your problem for a short while, only to be revisited the next time this person doesn’t get what is desired or demanded. You are trading immediate calm for long-term pain. If you’ve already tried placating (with a child’s misbehavior or an adult’s outbursts) you already know this.
[Score: ] Subjugating/Surrendering - There is a difference between feeling anxious or worried when your partner gets mad and feeling fear. Fear is your nervous system’s immediate reaction to any event your brain interprets as life threatening to you or someone you love and must protect. Fear mobilizes your body to “fight or flee” in its earlier stages but can lead to immobilization and shutting down when it escalates. In general, more intense faces of anger like extreme hostility or aggression, whether verbal or physical, trigger fear for yourself or fear that others you love might be hurt emotionally or physically in some way. Your needs for safety and security are sure to be threatened and the result is usually an intense emotional reaction. You may find yourself giving in and just going along as a way of protecting yourself or others from verbal, physical or emotional abuse. This tactic, sadly, often works to immediately shut off the other’s angry tactics, but provides powerful reinforcement for their occurrence in the future.
[Score: ] Shutting Down - Aggression can take a toll on the recipient’s self-esteem, mood and emotions over time. Some of us may begin to “shut down” emotionally and even physically. I have seen individuals become so worried and/or depressed that they cannot function as before. They may begin to miss social occasions, family events, work or even retreat into using substances like alcohol or prescription drugs to get through the day. The process of shutting down occurs when one’s spirit, one’s individual self is so overpowered by another’s aggression and threats that it begins to retreat into dysfunction. Well before this point is reached it is imperative that you seek professional help and consider separating from the aggressive individual until both parties can get help to transform this sad and dysfunctional pattern. If you feel in immediate danger call the police and take steps to protect yourself like leaving the situation and alerting others.
Interpreting your RAP responses—What to do?
Now that you’ve identified how you are reacting emotionally to your partner’s anger and what actions you often take either before or after the fact, you are in a position to evaluate how you feel about what you are currently doing. I would recommend asking yourself these questions.
How do you feel when confronted with your partner’s anger?
How often do you feel this way and how are these emotional states like guilt or anxiety interfering with the quality of your day and overall life? These are the emotional costs of the present situation.
As you examine your anger actions described by the Relationship Anger Profile, you should ask yourself:
Are they working to change your relationship? Do you see progress or stagnation in the ways your partner expresses anger to you?
Are these behaviors helping you to achieve whatever your daily and longer-term goals are (e.g., a new career, providing the kind of childhood for your children you’ve always wanted, achieving a personal goal like having more friends or getting more fit)?
I want things to change!:
If you decide you want things to change consider seeking counseling or coaching.. Among your options, you can contact a local professional for counseling for yourself or possibly relationship counseling that includes your partner or loved one. Or see below:
If you live in the Washington suburbs or Northern Virginia contact Dr. Nay who can provide you with a plan.
If you live in the Annapolis, Maryland area you can contact Dr. Nay by pressing here.
If you would like to consider coaching over the telephone before deciding to come into counseling or to provide you with further skills to manage relationship anger, learn more about this cost effective and timely option. Read more about coaching.
