You are having a conversation with someone you care about and this person starts to raise his voice and the tone shifts to angry and challenging. You are a bit shocked and now feel compelled to raise your own voice and defend yourself. Your heart starts to race and your voice feels shaky. You can’t just let his aggressive tone stand without standing up for yourself, can you? In my book Taking Charge of Anger I have a chapter on “Staying Cool Under Fire” that offers some alternatives that can quickly defuse the most intense situation without your getting down in the “trenches” of angry comebacks and argument that will probably go nowhere and just fuel more resentment. Look these “defusing” strategies over and find one or two that might work for you the next time someone gets in your face and starts down an angry path.

Calm Clarifying- Ask other for more information-gives you time to dampen arousal and plan a strategy.

“It would really help if you could tell me exactly what you mean by my being ‘selfish’ and exactly when you think I am.”

Mirroring- Repeat back the essence of what the other said so he/she can hear your impact.

“What I hear you saying is that you think I never call Mom and Dad and that you carry the entire load of caring for them. Is that right?”

Content to Process Shift: Ask the other for a pause so you can both discuss how the conversation could be improved-focus on the process of how you are communicating. You may need some ground rules.

“It feels like we are getting off the topic and this is  getting intense. What if we talk about how we can discuss this issue better. I would suggest that I listen to you  for as long as it takes to  get out your ideas, then  you  listen  to  my  points  the  same  way. And that we try to keep our voices calm. What do you think would help us stay on track?”

Agreement in Fact or Principle:

Agree quickly with anything you can agree with to “take the wind” out of the others sails.

“You know, I agree with what you said. I do not spend enough time with Mom and Dad.”

Agree in principle. While not agreeing with the specific allegation someone makes, agree with the principle behind it.

“While I don’t agree that I ‘never’ call Mom and Dad, let’s not quibble over that. I do agree with your main point that we should try to do more for them. I intend to try.”

Avoiding” Stairstepping”: When the other gets louder, don’t escalate, but instead stay level or even bring your voice lower, down the “stairs” of intensity.

Model A Relaxed Posture: Utilize the impact of body position and gestures on how another reacts to you.

Invite the other to be seated if you are both standing. Immediately this reduces physiological tension. If the other refuses, you sit and use a conditional suggestion: “I really want to hear what you have to say but wish you would sit so I can relax and just listen.

Lean back and try to breathe more slowly and rhythmically and the other is very likely to copy (“pace”) what you do. Make your gestures more smooth and relaxed and as you look at the other show interest.

The “Broken Record”. When you are making a reasonable request, continue to calmly repeat your request until the other hears you. This works if you are patient in most circumstances. If not, use a STOP phrase (see below).

“I really do intend to call our parents more often.”

“As I said I will call them, perhaps this weekend.”

“When I call them, as I’ve agreed, I know we will both feel better about it.”

Suggest a “STOP” if you feel threatened or very angry (above a 60 on your anger scale) or the conversation is going nowhere. Let the other know that you need to take a break to think things over. Make it clear that this is not negotiable.

“This discussion feels really intense and I think we need to pause for a while to collect our thoughts. I will seek you out later on to see when we can arrange to continue.”

The Anger Merry-Go-Round

W. Robert Nay, Ph.D.

It’s one thing to help an easily incensed individual client learn to manage his or her own too-easily aroused temper.  It’s entirely another issue to help partners in a troubled relationship deal with the kind of anger that gets triggered primarily when they are with each other. And yet therapists often focus too narrowly on helping individuals manage their personal anger rather than on helping partners reduce the anger repeatedly arising between them.

In chronically angry couples, differences of opinion rapidly become arguments, which escalate to raised voices, raised blood pressure, and sometimes raised fists. Over and over,  the anger itself, rather than the initial disagreement, becomes the issue, ricocheting back and forth, intensifying with each volley. As the emotion rises, and as ordinary inhibitions fall away, the likelihood of verbal abuse and/or physical aggression grows. Any attempt at addressing  the basic underlying conflicts or problems in the marriage become drowned out by anger.

Partners caught in this anger merry-go-round almost inevitably blame the other for the problem. Typically one or both portray the other as having “started it,” ignoring the fact that their relationship anger occurs within a system of two—-both partners pass the anger back and forth like a shared virus.

My Way or the Highway

Adam and Sarah sought my help after what Sarah called “years of fighting over nothing” that had sapped the life from their marriage. Thirty-eight-year-old Sarah told me she felt that she didn’t have an anger problem—“I’m fine with other people”—but only got mad when “Adam gets in my face.” “With him it’s always ‘My way or the highway,’” she said.  “He gets extremely loud, intense, and sarcastic when we don’t do exactly what he wants when he wants it.”

When I asked her how she usually reacted when Adam got angry, she looked embarrassed. “Lately, I have been telling him off,” she said. “I can’t take any more of his loudness and anger. Last week I screamed at him to ‘Shut the hell up’ in front of our children. I don’t want to act this way or for them to turn out like him!” I asked her if she would be willing to be a part of the treatment even though she believed Adam’s anger was the main “problem.”  Although she was not sold on this idea, she finally agreed when I told her that she needed to learn to change the way she reacted to Adam’s anger in order to help defuse it early, and to feel better herself.

Forty-year-old Adam informed me right away that he would do “anything” to save his marriage. He came from a family of “shouters,” he said, and often listened to his parents argue well into the night. While he had vowed not to be like them, he found himself “all too often losing it with Sarah,” yelling and saying things he later regretted.  But he also saw Sarah as a big part of the problem:“If she would just leave me alone when I get stressed out, I wouldn’t get so mad. She needs to learn to back off.” He also blamed much of his anger on “stress” created by long hours working for a “demanding boss” at a large insurance company. By blaming his wife and his work, Adam externalized his anger. Like most of my angry clients, deep down he believed that his own anger originated outside himself.

Strategies for Arousal Management

I then met with Sarah and Adam individually for three sessions each to identify their own patterns of anger arousal–the physical sensations each experienced when anger was triggered. From there, the focus would shift to specific strategies to derail their arousal pattern before they became so angry that calm thinking and self control were difficult or impossible.

In the first individual session with both Sarah and Adam, I asked each to keep an anger log, recording the situations when anger was experienced, the thoughts or “self talk” that arose in their minds, their body sensations (e.g., tight shoulders, heat in neck and face, jaw tension), and the actions or words they used to express anger. These anger logs and my interviewing questions help me identify their anger triggers: what partner actions or statements seemed to instigate anger arousal? As each partner becomes aware of specific anger triggers, he or she can “preview” an upcoming encounter in order to think ahead of time about how to manage anger if it arises.

To further assess how each gets triggered, I review what I call the “Five Ss,” five life factors that research and practice indicate contribute to instigating and intensifying anger arousal: inadequate Sleep, ongoing life Stress, not eating properly or inadequate Sustenance, use of Substances like alcohol, caffeine or other drugs and any health issue or Sickness (e.g., a bad cold, headache, low back pain that increases irritability). Adam told me, for example, that he often stayed up until 1 A.M. to have some alone time, yet arose at 6 A.M., getting only five hours of sleep.

Adam’s  level of stress was also heightened by feeling he had to work late to avoid a layoff threatened by his employer. We discussed a variety of coping strategies including work breaks, a “power nap,” relaxation techniques and ways to challenge scary “fortune-telling” and “catastrophizing” self-talk (e.g., “How will I support my family?,” “What if I can’t find another job?”), which fueled daily anxiety and also contributed to sleep-onset insomnia some nights. He also told me he often skipped lunch or grabbed a snack from a machine as he felt he was just too busy most days to take time at noon for a meal.  I encouraged him to take at least 30 minutes to eat a healthy lunch to sustain his blood sugar level (low blood sugar is related to irritability and general disinhibition).

As for substances, Adam told me he drank lots of caffeinated diet colas at work and had begun consuming two or three glasses of wine each evening as a way of “winding down.” I told him that while we all vary somewhat, even small amounts of alcohol and caffeine tend to be disinhibiting and could fuel anger arousal. We agreed it was best to avoid drinking alcohol during the work week and to limit other drinks to decaf versions and water. Sarah’s “Ss” included drinking wine with Adam in the evenings, as well as frequent headaches that fueled irritability and negative self-talk. I also encouraged her to limit alcohol consumption and, in addition, seek medical guidance for her headaches.

From their anger logs we then identified the first physical sensations of anger arousal. Adam reported that his chest would tighten, his breathing become heavy. In contrast, Sarah found that her first anger “tell” was her jaw tightening. Both reported that the next phase of anger arousal they noticed was heat in the neck and face. I emphasized that they learn to identify these feelings as “signals” to begin arousal management.

STOP

At this point, I taught both Adam and Sarah to employ an easily remembered protocol for dampening arousal , what I call the “S-T-O-P” (Stop, Think, Objectify, Plan) method. The first step to controlling anger is to reduce initial arousal by internally stating the self-instruction to “STOP!” while mentally picturing an image and/or hearing a sound associated with cessation (e.g., Adam would picture a bright, red stop sign and “hear” his father’s voice saying “STOP IMMEDIATELY!”).

Next, to immediately derail anger escalation, it is helpful to get clients to sit down (assuming a physical position the brain associates with safety) and engage in deep diaphragmatic breathing. Adam and Sarah learned to sit in a fully relaxed position while practicing a version of diaphragmatic breathing and exhaling to a slow, internal count (“10 to one as slowly as you can exhale your breath”). The acts of sitting and breathing immediately interrupts angry thoughts as clients instead focus on these two tasks. Each was instructed to continue taking relaxation breaths as needed until their anger “signal” (e.g., Adam’s chest tightness) was diminished.

Each partner was then encouraged to focus on their most upsetting “angry” thoughts, which usually spring from common cognitive distortions. Some examples of these distortions include: Mindreading–“Sarah just loves to get me mad so she can accuse me of being irrational,” Personalizing– “Adam’s fury isn’t about his stress—it’s to put me down!”, Overgeneralizing– “Adam can never cool it—he is always just on the edge of losing it,” and Thresholding-- “If Sarah corrects me in front of the kids one more time I know I’m going to lose it.”  Since all these distortions trigger a sense of threat, flight/fight instincts and associated anger arousal, the ability to step back and look at the situation through a more objective and calming lens is critical. After quickly identifying one or two distortions prominent in their thinking, each learned to rebut and replace anger arousing thoughts with objective and affirming facts, called “objectifying.”

I then typically teach clients an easy strategy I call “camera checking” to focus them on the observable, objective facts of the anger situation. By emphasizing the facts, rather than perceptions colored by resentments, past experiences or faulty beliefs, partners learn to avoid  demonizing and personalizing the other’s words and actions, diminishing the perceived threat and typically  leading to an immediate decline in arousal. For example, instead of thinking “she loves to make me mad,” an irrational mindreading of Sarah, Adam focuses on observable statements and actions devoid of interpretation: “The fact is that Sarah is telling me her opinion of how I handled our son Jake. She disagrees with me.” This thought, a statement of viewable fact, is not threatening and sets the stage for a discussion of differences of opinion and not threats to each other’s character.

Each partner is then encouraged to quickly think of an immediate plan, focusing on the facts of the situation. Having a plan reduces perceived threat by increasing one’s sense of personal control over the situation (e.g., Adam’s Plan-“I will suggest we table this until I feel less exhausted,” or “I need to look at her and listen until she gets out her ideas—seeing them as information and not a criticism or put-downs”).

Therapy often involves entirely too much talking about new skills the client should put into place, but not enough rehearsing. Clients often understand well enough what they should do when life challenges arise, but often can’t recall and enact new skills in the heat of the moment. Accordingly, new coping behaviors need to be  rehearsed enough to be automatic. I spend a full session with each partner role-playing how to implement the STOP in mock situations of provocation. I model how to use the STOP and then we reverse roles and the client uses the STOP in the heat of challenging role-plays that enact the most difficult and provoking situations each client can imagine.

The Next Phase of Treatment

After both Adam and Sarah had some basic experience in applying STOP techniques, I met with them together to put these new learnings into practice. Adam echoed the doubts of most clients at this juncture: “I still feel that I’m going to lose it when Sarah and I really get into it. How can I remember to do all this stuff when the heat gets turned up.”

As a segue into the next phase of our work, I asked them to discuss together the most threatening words and actions that had provoked anger escalation in the past. For example, Adam’s actions that most threatened/provoked Sarah included: raising his voice, “getting in her face “ when angry (within two feet of her), telling her she was incompetent as a wife and mother (e.g., “lousy,” “lazy,” “weak,” etc.), and criticizing her in front of the children. Sarah’s list from Adam included raising her voice, questioning Adam’s sanity (e.g., “you are nuts!” “You need help!” “I am going to have you put away,”), refusing to speak to him for hours at a time, and threatening divorce. Each was then encouraged to discuss how he/she felt when these threatening behaviors were directed at them while their partners listened without interruption.

I asked each to make a commitment to change, based on what they had learned in the individual sessions and from their partners. Which specific behaviors were they willing to change and what behaviors would they agree to do instead when angry? I helped them to be as behaviorally specific as possible to insure well-defined, practical and measurable goals. For example, Adam agreed that when conflict arose he would do the following: “sit down and use a softer voice, tell Sarah what behaviors he wanted her to alter without resorting to name-calling and to do all this in private.” If the partners wish, these commitments can be written out as a contract they both sign.

Circuit Breaking

We then spent two full sessions practicing “circuit-breaking” to derail anger escalation. Each partner has two potential circuit-breakers—or warning signals that they were to watch out for that indicated that the “system” was getting dangerously hot.  One originates in Self—an inner physical feeling signaling anger arousal.  The second originates in the Other–the partner’s anger actions. The activation of these circuit breakers signifies the need to “shut down” the discussion and begin using the STOP method. Adam’s “self” circuit-breakers included a tightening of his shoulders and chest tightened or the warming of his face. The “other” circuit breaker for him was Sarah’s voice becoming significantly louder or her criticism of him in front of the children. Sarah’s “self” circuit-breakers included her tightening jaw and flushed, warm face.  Her “other” circuit breaker was Adam getting loud or standing within two lengths of her or calling her a name.

These four levels of awareness (his and her “Self” signals and “Other” signals) warned that arousal was escalating and the “action” should be ended for as long a time as they needed to employ the STOP techniques, calm down, and reassert control of arousal. As I encouraged them to discuss the hardest, most triggering topics that they could think of while practicing circuit-breaking, they began to seamlessly halt and derail their anger (pauses were as long as it took for each to bring arousal down to a 1-2 on a “scale” from 1-10, signified by each saying “I’m ready.”) and then redirect themselves back to calmer talking and listening about issues. I demonstrated these strategies for them so they could practice across two sessions devoted exclusively to rehearsing together how to use circuit-breaking.

As Adam and Sarah practiced how to use the STOPS with me, they not only became more proficient in derailing their anger arousal but also less reactive to each other’s  actions. Just as exposure training reduces anxiety to feared situations, these rehearsals helped  Adam and Sarah’s feel less of a sense of threat as they learned new ways of reacting to old anger triggers. They felt more prepared for the next provocative encounter and more relaxed about how to handle their partner’s actions.

A Vision of Relationship       

Now that anger arousal was under control, for the first time we were able to discuss underlying relationship issues in our couples sessions. Using “I” form communication and active listening, I asked each to discuss their “vision” of how they would like their lives to be in a year and beyond in major life domains (e.g., love and intimacy, friendships, activities/interests, spiritually, intellectual stimulation, family/parenting, financially, etc.). Now that each better understood the other’s vision, both were able to craft more realistic expectations for their partner and for the relationship, reducing conflict in the future.

Over ten additional sessions, they practiced using the STOPS to derail anger arousal that would emerge as they decided how to implement their individual visions by collaborating. For example, Adam wanted more time with his few male friends and Sarah wanted to visit her parents more often, something Adam had resisted in the past, an old source of argument. They agreed that on the same weekend at least once a month they would fulfill these individual goals they had envisioned, removing a source of conflict. They reported using the STOPs and circuit-breaking with much success at home. Adam said that now at least one of them would call a STOP even if the other was unaware of escalating arousal. By mutually managing their arousal, they reported success in discussing and resolving differences as they collaborated toward mutual satisfaction of needs.

This more systemic approach to  anger treatment acknowledges that couples inhabit an interdependent relationship and that treating both of them, regardless of who is the “angriest,” helps each identify and alter his/her  own contribution to their angry interactions.  Nevertheless the approach I’m describing is no miracle cure. One partner frequently refuses to participate (“He/she is the one with the anger problems, so why should I have to come in?”). When I am forced to work with one partner I employ the same methods for arousal management described above and use role-plays with me as their partner to allow the client to  practice circuit-breaking.  Safety is always the priority and I routinely and ongoingly assess the degree of risk if violence is an issue. When the risk is too high, I refer the partners to see separate therapists until both are comfortable with conjoint sessions.

The path to behavior change is often circuitous with frequent setbacks, especially when one or both partners minimize the need to use the STOPs, rationalizing that “we’ve got this down and don’t need to do all those steps,” or returns to old thinking and actions when one or more of the “Five Ss” suddenly fuels arousal. For example, Adam began working late and missing evening meals, driving home exhausted and out of sorts, fueling irritability and rekindling old habits as often happens when we are stressed out.  At those times, it is especially helpful to assess what exactly has taken place (e.g., external stressors/”Five Ss,” not enough practice) and recommit to new behavior, thus “booster” sessions are usually necessary. And, at the same time, a big part of the therapists job is to heartily exhort all clients that if they do experience setbacks to avoid self defeating statements–“Well, it’s back to square one, again.” “Nothing’s really changed”—which undermine motivation.

Rather than becoming overfocused on the drama of anger or the origins of its roots in an individual’s life, it is crucial to understand it as part of  an ongoing,  interdependent system of expressed and unexpressed needs that ultimately must be addressed in any relationship. Rather than something that must be “managed” by autonomous individuals, it is important to see it as central to the dance of need fulfillment in a couple and to help partners learn new “steps” to convert this often destructive force into the fuel for lasting relationship change.

Robert Nay is one of world’s leading experts on the treatment of anger. A prolific author of two best-selling books, numerous journal articles and textbooks, Dr. Nay will provide you with a seminar full of practical, hands-on strategies. Dr. Nay is an expert clinician who has trained thousands of professionals across the country. A sought after expert, he and his work have appeared on Entertainment Tonight, Fox News with Geraldo Rivera, ABC News, The Washington Post and USA Weekend Magazine.

This isn’t just another anger management seminar. You will learn the very latest skills and techniques that will diffuse anger and provide lasting change in your clients. Dr. Nay will provide proven strategies that will work with your most difficult clients.

How to Register: Call 800-844-8260 or visit www.pesi.com or fill out the enclosed brochure.

Robert Nay is one of world’s leading experts on the treatment of anger. A prolific author of two best-selling books, numerous journal articles and textbooks, Dr. Nay will provide you with a seminar full of practical, hands-on strategies. Dr. Nay is an expert clinician who has trained thousands of professionals across the country. A sought after expert, he and his work have appeared on Entertainment Tonight, Fox News with Geraldo Rivera, ABC News, The Washington Post and USA Weekend Magazine.

This isn’t just another anger management seminar. You will learn the very latest skills and techniques that will diffuse anger and provide lasting change in your clients. Dr. Nay will provide proven strategies that will work with your most difficult clients.

How to Register: Call 800-844-8260 or visit www.pesi.com or fill out the enclosed brochure.

Robert Nay is one of world’s leading experts on the treatment of anger. A prolific author of two best-selling books, numerous journal articles and textbooks, Dr. Nay will provide you with a seminar full of practical, hands-on strategies. Dr. Nay is an expert clinician who has trained thousands of professionals across the country. A sought after expert, he and his work have appeared on Entertainment Tonight, Fox News with Geraldo Rivera, ABC News, The Washington Post and USA Weekend Magazine.

This isn’t just another anger management seminar. You will learn the very latest skills and techniques that will diffuse anger and provide lasting change in your clients. Dr. Nay will provide proven strategies that will work with your most difficult clients.

How to Register: Call 800-844-8260 or visit www.pesi.com or fill out the enclosed brochure.

Robert Nay is one of world’s leading experts on the treatment of anger. A prolific author of two best-selling books, numerous journal articles and textbooks, Dr. Nay will provide you with a seminar full of practical, hands-on strategies. Dr. Nay is an expert clinician who has trained thousands of professionals across the country. A sought after expert, he and his work have appeared on Entertainment Tonight, Fox News with Geraldo Rivera, ABC News, The Washington Post and USA Weekend Magazine.

This isn’t just another anger management seminar. You will learn the very latest skills and techniques that will diffuse anger and provide lasting change in your clients. Dr. Nay will provide proven strategies that will work with your most difficult clients.

How to Register: Call 800-844-8260 or visit www.pesi.com or fill out the enclosed brochure.

Photo Illustration By Taylor Shute

Here’s the problem: your wife makes sarcastic comments about you in public. Later, when you object, she insists you have no sense of humour. At home, she withdraws into a stony silence. You try to talk to her but she says she wants to be left alone. If this infuriates you and makes you want to scream or file for divorce, psychologist Robert Nay has some advice specifically for people living with angry romantic partners.

Sarcasm and stony silence are just as much anger issues as yelling and name-calling, says Nay, who’s been helping couples deal with anger for 30 years. In his new book Overcoming Anger in Your Relationship: How to Break the Cycle of Arguments, Put-Downs and Stony Silences, Nay admits it’s impossible to force change on someone, but “there’s a lot you can change even without the co-operation of your angry partner. With a strong lead from you, there’s a good chance your partner will follow, and repairs can be made.”

He points out that you wouldn’t let a shop clerk yell at you and call you names, “but when it’s the person you love most who imposes his anger on you, it’s easy to get roped into trying to compensate, ride it out, and extend empathy. The trouble is, by doing so over and over, you signal to your partner that hostility, yelling, name-calling and sarcasm are fine with you.”

“When you make changes,” he writes, “your partner is faced with a dilemma: keep doing the same old thing without getting the same old reaction from you, or change. You cannot control your partner’s decision but you will immediately feel better about your own life.”

To break the cycle of stony silence (a form of passive aggression), Nay advises, “Stop making heroic efforts to figure out what your partner wants.” If your partner says, “I don’t really want to talk,” or “I’m not hungry,” “take it at face value and try not to become a mind-reader, asking questions like, ‘Are you mad at me?’ and ‘Do you resent something?’ ”

Counter-withdrawal isn’t a good solution either, says Nay. Instead, “let your partner experience the logical and natural consequences of his or her passive tactics.”

And don’t try to “psychologize” about your partner’s unexpressed needs or speculate in this way: “I guess you won’t talk to me because deep down you are unhappy and scared. This is probably because your mother is so critical.” Instead, say: “Okay, I’ll have to assume you’ll let me know when you’re ready to talk. I won’t ask you again.” If your wife retreats to another part of the house, “do what pleases you without regard to her until she is willing to approach you directly,” says Nay.

If your partner resorts to yelling and name-calling in the heat of an argument, don’t yell back, thinking “two can play at this game,” he urges. “You will only end up with the empty post-argument feeling of regret.” What’s more, yelling back allows your partner to feel justified: “You clearly have a problem with your anger, too.”

If your partner is standing and yelling, invite them to be seated. “This immediately reduces the physiological tension. If the other refuses, you sit and say: ‘I really want to hear what you have to say but I wish you would sit so I can relax and just listen.’ ” When your partner’s voice escalates, bring your voice lower, advises Nay, and try to “agree quickly with anything you can agree with to take the wind out of the other’s sail.” You don’t have to agree with the specific allegations, he says, but try to agree in principle to something. For instance, you could say, “While I don’t agree that I ‘never’ call Mom and Dad, let’s not quibble over that. I do agree with your main point that we should try to do more for them.”

Don’t apologize just to end the conflict. “This will only solve your problem for a short while. In the long run, you have humbled yourself just to keep the peace—clearly undermining your self-esteem and right to be heard.”

“If you have trouble asserting these rights,” writes Nay, “you need the support of a counsellor who can help you get strong enough to set firm boundaries and hold to them.” Why, he asks, “would you want to stay with someone who cannot accept you want to live your life without threats and conditional love?”

In his post titled, The ABCs of Overcoming Anger in Your Relationship he gives us 5 steps to a good relationship.

Here are Dr. W. Robert Nay’s five steps to overcoming anger in your relationship… accompanied with 5 of my cartoons:

1. Assess Your Relationship (A)

How do you currently respond when your partner expresses anger in an unwelcome way? Do you confront them or try to stay out of their way? Do you withhold things they want, or give in to keep the peace? Acknowledging your own patterns of behavior and thinking about what you could do differently is the first step toward change.

2. Set New Boundaries (B)

Remember that you are in control of what you do. Consider which actions are acceptable to you and which are not, then clearly define your personal boundaries.

Pay close attention to your thoughts. How you think determines how you feel. If you replace
negative self-talk (“I’m powerless to change my situation,” “My partner’s anger is my fault”) with positive affirmations (“I am in control of my life,” “I deserve to be treated with dignity”) you will be taking a giant step toward achieving your relationship goals.

4. Deny Rewards for Anger (D)

Avoid caving in to your partner’s expressions of anger. Hold your ground, voice your opinion, and calmly and clearly express your emotions. By doing so, you’re communicating that your needs matter as much as your partner’s, and that you will not give in to any form of angry intimidation or coercion.

5. Express Yourself Effectively (E)

Rather than withholding your opinion or minimizing your feelings, learn to be more assertive in expressing your thoughts and needs. Good communication ends in mutual understanding. It requires that both partners be attentive and not only talk, but really listen.

Ryan knows Kate is “hot-tempered,” but he’s sick of being called “a loser” and other names just because Kate is supposedly under so much stress. He misses the fun they used to have and the connection they once shared, but he can’t quite pinpoint the moment their marriage shifted.

Do these situations sound familiar? Anger, tension, and passive-aggression can gain a foothold in even the most loving relationship. One day you wake up and wonder what happened to the happy union you once had. Where did the trust and the closeness go? Fortunately, while you can’t force your partner to change, you can change the way you react and respond to their anger, and ultimately improve your marriage.

Here are five steps to overcoming anger in your relationship…

1. Assess Your Relationship (A)

How do you currently respond when your partner expresses anger in an unwelcome way? Do you confront them or try to stay out of their way? Do you withhold things they want, or give in to keep the peace? Acknowledging your own patterns of behavior and thinking about what you could do differently is the first step toward change.

2. Set New Boundaries (B)

Remember that you are in control of what you do. Consider which actions are acceptable to you and which are not, then clearly define your personal boundaries.

3. Change Your Cognitions (C)

Pay close attention to your thoughts. How you think determines how you feel. If you replace
negative self-talk (“I’m powerless to change my situation,” “My partner’s anger is my fault”) with positive affirmations (“I am in control of my life,” “I deserve to be treated with dignity”) you will be taking a giant step toward achieving your relationship goals.

4. Deny Rewards for Anger (D)

Avoid caving in to your partner’s expressions of anger. Hold your ground, voice your opinion, and calmly and clearly express your emotions. By doing so, you’re communicating that your needs matter as much as your partner’s, and that you will not give in to any form of angry intimidation or coercion.

5. Express Yourself Effectively (E)

Rather than withholding your opinion or minimizing your feelings, learn to be more assertive in expressing your thoughts and needs. Good communication ends in mutual understanding. It requires that both partners be attentive and not only talk, but really listen.

You may not be able to change your partner. But by implementing the simple strategies above you can make a lot of changes to benefit yourself, and in turn, your marriage. You just might find that your partner can’t help changing too.